Waiting For Spring, Or, The Moon Is In Free Fall

I very much appreciate this post. I go through a depression most winters and find solace in autumn and the moon. The moon is a lover of mine that comes and goes, changing like the tides. Free falling… free flowing too. I find peace in knowing the moon comes out everynight to light my feet as the sun kisses the earth goodnight. Beautiful friend the moon is.

The Belle Jar

It’s almost four thirty in the afternoon, a month after the winter solstice, and the sky is still that bright, brittle cold-weather blue.

I can hear birds chirping outside my bedroom window. The noises they’re making are quiet, contented. Like me, they are settled in for the long wait until spring.

These days, spring seems like a dreamy idea I read about once a long time ago. It doesn’t just seem unreal, it seems like a childhood myth that I never quite gave up believing in. I keep clinging to this idea that things will be better, soon, soon, any day now. Waiting for spring is like my own personal religion, with all its accompanying rites and rituals. Except these days I’m dabbling in atheism; I’m not sure if I quite trust in this god anymore.

I’m not sad. I’m just in that funny suspended animation that happens this time…

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Apologies

“Don’t be reckless with other peoples hearts. Don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.” Jimi Hendrix

“The biggest coward of a man is to awaken the love of a woman without the intention of loving her.” Bob Marley

Both these quotes have a lot to do with what I want to talk about today. Romantic Love. And being shown it.
We all see love everywhere we go, and we think about it, fantasize and dream up fairy tale scenarios till we think we got it right. But who showed you romantic love first? Why did they show you love and did they keep their promise?

In my case I was shown a different kind of adult love before anyone deserves to, and then was shown my first romantic love. My first romantic love had to deal with the reprecussions of what had happened before him… which shouldn’t even be possible so everything seemed a product of my own actions by choice not as a result of my enviornment and past. I can not control what happened in my past but I can start to take real control in my life. Taking real control in my life starts with taking control of my body and not giving into sex because it feels good enough and why not… this is about respect now.
This is how I will fix the little girl inside me crying to be loved in the right way. I will respect myself and my intuition and the little girl of my past so damaged from a love that should have never hurt.
To those who understand what I’m talking about or this feeling… I am sorry. For all those who never said it to you, I am sorry you were put on an endless spiraling search for love and all the while being scared of it.

The romantic love that came next was some of the happiest moments of being a teenager and seeing how good love can feel. Then in a series of unfortunate cicumstances a restraining order got put in place by some overbearing parents who had no idea what their little girl had already experienced.
This whole experience left me confused and especially not sure who to trust, my parents who unknowingly abandoned me and left me open to reckless abuse from a “safe” person or my love who had never hurt me. Of course I stuck to the love I had never been hurt by.
The love to this day still can’t be found there. My parents forced them to find their love elsewhere while forcing me to see an unreasonable side of love that hurts more than harms. The side that is blind and stays blind. Blind to anything it doesn’t want to believe or see. If you don’t think it exsists or is possible, it never will to you.
I now run from every real commitment I’ve ever been shown and cling desperately to powerful healthy love so much I might scare it away.
Now because I know I am damaged, until I can feel safe in my own head and heart, alone and sober, I refuse to take care of anyones heart because it would be reckless abandonment and I wouldn’t want that on my head.
I’m sorry for the wrong I’ve done and may still do. I never mean to harm another.
“As am I so are others”, having this thus defined you shouldn’t harm others as you wouldn’t yourself.

Trying to truck along… one love.
-J

Give and Accept

Friends. I wonder how people make them. Who approaches who first in your circle. I like to approach people first but its always nice to be approached too. For me everything in life is give and accept and it should be. I feel the word accept is more proper because if its a gift, you receive and accept it… you do not take it. ‘Taking’ so much implies a feeling kind of like stealing and that is not what is being done. Its receiving a gift. I like to give as much as I receive enjoyment out of surprises and compliments. Relationships should be a give and accept. “Give some love, accept some love.” Maybe we should all take on this motto of give and accept. Any word could be substituted for love but love is fitting because any gift is truely a gift of love.

Thought for the day.

Marley related thoughts

“The good times of today are the sad thoughts of tomorrow.”

“The winds that sometimes take something we love, are the same winds that bring us something we learn to love. Therefore we should not cry about something that was taken from us, but yes love what we really have been given. Because what is really ours is never gone forever.”

These are two great quotes by Bob Marley. I actually cannot even say these are my favorite Marley quotes because everything that man said and did, that I know of, just poured out so much love. And I for one, know its safe to say, I am 100% a love addict.

For those of you who may not know what this entails, it is not a joke. Hear me out and take a serious ear on this one. Being a love addict means you have the symptoms of:
Overwhelming empathy at all times for all living being, plants, animals and humans alike. It may not be easy, but that’s the struggle of being an addict.
Another symptom is the need to socialize as much as be alone. The irony in this is a painful struggle. I daily feel the need to expend all the love burning inside me and give it generously out to all, especially in doses of quick smiles to strangers against the way.
As well, being around so many people who yearn for this love, I need to remind myself to love myself first as well. Everyone deserves to be loved and if you don’t feel like you’re getting enough you need to love youself more. Only you can provide enough love to suffice your hearts cry for love.

Well I got a little off topic here in talking about love and the need for it, but Marley was one smart man who knew about the need for love,
“overcome the devils with a thing called love.”

I really wanted to write about how much love can affect us and how little we appreciate it when its gone. The love we experience today is the love we’re going to remember forever. These winds that take and give, do so unexpectantly so you must love fully all the time. This is a bold statement to truely love everyone as if you might never get another chance too. Its terrifying to the core. I fear everyday I may scare those I truely care about off, then I remind myself if that’s how I express myself to feel good and they can’t appreciate it… I need to move on. I love very passionately to all, even strangers, and so when I passionately care about someone and show them passionate love, its a fury of uncontrollable energy and love. Then when the winds have taken these same loves away, we know we have done all we can to allow those we love to stay and a place to safely grow their roots. These loves will find their way back in one way or another form. Anytime love takes on a new form for me, it been better everytime. I can’t wait to see the man I’m going to marry. You bet I’m going to make his sweet ass feel like the luckiest man alive, but until then… I’m going to appreciate all the love I’ve been given and shown and just continue to put it out there into the universe.

One love, thinking of you all!
-J

I know that the love that I give becomes the love that I get.
-string cheese incident.

This truth

I wish it was October again, specifically, I wish it was Hulaween again. Halloween weekend String Cheese Incident hosted a beautiful festival and I met some beautiful people. That’s what’s expected right… but what wasn’t expected was meeting someone from the other coast who Id grow to care about, and think about almost every day. Things have changed since Hulaween, and things have even changed since I went West for Thanksgiving and maybe even since Miami. I wish I could go back to the Suwannee and just to wake up in the hammock curled in your arms, to cuccoon up when it started sprinkling to rain. You are one of the best dancers I’ve ever had the pleasure of dancing with still. These things I wish I could have back, but at least the memories stick. I could very much like to go back West too, around Thanksgiving time, when you were my solitiude from some sad, sad news. All those times together almost blur into one, but the moments that stick out, are so simple. And yet so incredible. Take me to that moment where I never have felt so alive. The energy you have and the energy we create is so unreal to me. Give me a beating heart in my chest, and a raging smile across my face so big the universe can hardly contain it. Give me Cheese. Give me the Love I found.

“I know that the love that I give, becomes the love that I get.”

Love like you wouldn’t believe

I wear my heart on my sleeve,
Giving out my love like you wouldnt believe.
I try to see the best in me,
We are all our own worst enemy.
Once loving ourselves is no longer a fear,
You can stand tall with happiness coming clear.

Happiness is a contagious thing,
Something youd like to share with others…
So more happiness to others they can bring.
The love of self is the same for mothers as brothers.

I often try to improve myself,
But sometimes that cant be done
Without a little help.
Humbling myself like the Son
The only way to truely feel the sun.

Regreting all the wrong ive said,
As much as than wrongs been had.
Everything in life is a slow moving tread,
Slowing replacing good for all the bad.

Theres a little yin in every yang,
But slowly im trying not to stay the same.

We the people…

Life is crazy and a little bit strange,
I wonder how much people are to blame.
Society has gotten out of the way,
The path of the “norm”… there isnt one id say.
People like to point and disrelate,
These are just easier ways to hate.
We all need to learn to get along,
One love… like marley said, isnt that a song?
It has a great ring to it
Kinda like a fire thats just been lit.
We should all learn how to create,
Instead of just take, take, take.
I would like to see society upside down,
But we the people, are the only ones that can turn it around.